Who’s Yo Daddy? 5 Types of Dads in Maternity Rooms

By N Mark Castro

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So you’re in the hospital with your boyfriend, partner, or husband and you honestly do not know what the hell he is doing.

Take heart. You’re not alone. Billions of women have already gone through the special occasion you are going through and they’re passing onto you unlimited wisdom they’ve uncovered with the various birthing partners they’ve witnessed.

1. The Girlie Dad

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He seems more prepared than you. He speaks to your OB-GYN and knows every detail of what you should go through and will coach you how to go through with it.

He’s most likely printed shirts for you, him, and the little baby before he or she comes out.

The only thing other than the baby to come out would be if he would come out of the closet too.

But this isn’t to say that he’s unfit to be a father. Actually, a baby having two mothers is perfect!

Now, you have to be very careful in dealing with him because — chances are — he’s carried all those fluctuating hormones you should be having. He might even be the one infanticipating.

2. Macho Man Dad

A direct cousin though seemingly opposite of Girlie Dad is Macho Man Dad. He is usually a former Navy Seal, a world-class bodybuilder, or involved in some other type of muscle-ridden occupation.

Waving off any attempts at education and protesting any warnings of what lies ahead, Macho Man Dad is sure his manly ways will allow him to coast through delivery. You have a labor and delivery nurse’s guarantee — Macho Man Dad is always first to hit the floor.

The way to handle Macho Man Dad is to assure his ego that he’s doing well and that you need him to do certain tasks that only he can do. He will jump into this task like a dog chasing a bone and you’ll have your own peace and quiet.

Remember, before you step into the hospital, be sure to leave a note of the things he needs to do, otherwise, you’ll have Rambo terrorizing the hospital staff and you’ll be left wondering why the nurses can’t deliver what you’ve asked for.

3. Dumb Dad

He may seem normal to you at the time of your wedding up to the time you made love to make the baby, but now he is pale and nauseous, teetering on the edge of unconsciousness. Dumb Dad reminds us of the good ol’ days when dads were huddled together in waiting rooms until presented with a swaddled bundle of joy

If you are one of the unfortunate women to be subjected to Dumb Dad, fear not. I’ve worked in the healthcare that treated women & children long enough to know that more often than not, Dumb Dads are just a fleeting phenomenon. It is often just a result of too much nerves and too little sleep … most of the time.

If Dumb Dad appears to be a persistent phenomenon, may I offer my condolences and assure you it’s not genetic.

Usually.

4. Diva Dad

One of the things I came across working for a Mother & Child hospital are the varying degrees of men’s stupidity. Some women seem to be blessed with reliable partners, others, unfortunately, are not.

A memorable character I remember too well was when I encountered Diva Dad. Ignoring his panting, in-pain wife, Diva Dad interrupted my meeting to inquire about the status of his pillow … then a toothbrush … then a comb. Why he was so worried about the state of his hair inside his wife’s private room, with no visitors allowed, I’ll never know; but trust that Diva Dad will give you a run for your money in the attention department.

So when you see your boyfriend or husband showing signs of “divahood”, nip it in the bud. The last thing you’d want is for the nurses to be terrified of your partner and avoid delivering your care at all cost.

5. Doctor Daddy

Picture6True, I encourage your boyfriend or husband to start reading up, but once they go overboard, don’t blame me.

It’s easy to spot a Doctor Dad. You see him bouncing and prancing around the room like a proud peacock, and Doctor Dad challenges all medical assumptions with his vast Internet knowledge and even attempts to speak for his girlfriend’s or wife’s pain management needs with statements like: “Well, I read about this one lady whose back got messed up from an epidural …”

Send him home to pick up your mother. That usually shuts them up.

6. THE SHOULD-NOT-HAVE-BEEN-A-DAD 

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There are few species on earth that should not be allowed to propagate its genes, this is one of them. He will do nothing but teach your child to shop and blow away your educational fund just so both of you can have so fun.

But for fictional daddies you wish you had, you can check out some of them here.

About Asmartrock

N. Mark Castro is the chief political communications strategist for PT AsiaLeads, a political and communications policy-making body based in Jakarta, Indonesia. He is also the Executive Director at the Southeast Asia Consulting Group, an investment advisory company assisting clients roll out their presence for the ASEAN Economic Integration in partnership with government. The views posted here are his own and do not in any way reflect the views of the companies he represents.

Posted on January 23, 2013, in Fatherhood, General and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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